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Feb 18 2012 / No Comment / Read More »

Freshman Switches from Being Outcast at Weston to Being Outcast at Allen »

It’s not easy being green. Just ask John Grimps, freshman in LAS, who has struggled at acclimating to dorm culture.  ”At first I thought it was living in the Six…

Nov 10 2011 / 49 Comments / Read More »
Religion

Jesus’ Body Is Found: Autopsy Reveals He Died Of Alcohol Poisoning »

wonderlane

Archaeologists have finally done what Christianity claimed to be impossible: uncovered the physical remains of Jesus Christ himself. While they…

Mar 15 2012 / No Comment / Read More »

Muslims Hire Katie Couric as PR Representative »

In a startling press conference in Mecca yesterday, Imam Alawi Al’Bakr announced that the Muslim faith has finalized a contract…

Feb 11 2011 / 578 Comments / Read More »

Memo to Hell residents »

TO: All Hell Residents FROM: Hell Maintenance Dear Sir or Madam, It appears the that coolant we use to keep Hell at an…

Dec 28 2010 / 506 Comments / Read More »

Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made you out of pain »

This Hanukkah, I’d like to extend my deep apologies to the dreidels. Most people don’t think much about dreidels and…

Dec 14 2010 / 514 Comments / Read More »
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Arts

Aaron Sorkin Buys University of Illinois Meme Fan-page »

 Originators of the fan-page stealing memes from other universities and random contributors celebrated when they heard the news that Aaron Sorkin, screenwriter of the hit movie The Social Network, had purchased the movie rights to their story.  “I’m surprised it took him so long, to…

Feb 27 2012 / No Comment / Read More »

If Candy Hearts Were Truthful »

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– Henri Kenney…

Feb 14 2012 / No Comment / Read More »

How The Hipster Stole Thanksgiving (Because Christmas Was Too Mainstream) »

I love this time of year: The weather cools, and I can finally start playing Christmas music without society labeling me an unappreciative social pariah. Unfortunately, all too soon do I forget the holiday that comes before the birth of Jesus, and that illustrious day…

Nov 19 2011 / 65 Comments / Read More »
3 Horns
Arts

Aaron Sorkin Buys University of Illinois Meme Fan-page

 Originators of the fan-page stealing memes from other universities and random contributors celebrated when they heard the news that Aaron Sorkin, screenwriter of the hit movie The Social Network, had purchased the movie rights to their…

Feb 27 2012 / Read More »
Dangers

Punxsutawney Phil Dies At Age 126, Funeral Proceedings Marred By Conspiracy Allegations

Punxsutawney Phil (Jan. 1, 1886—Feb. 2, 2012) On the night of Feb. 3, Punxsutawney Mayor James “Snake” Wehrle announced that the highly revered Pennsylvanian, Punxsutawney Phil, had passed away mere hours before the annual Groundhog’s Day…

Feb 11 2012 / Read More »
Politics PA2

Political Agenda

Drawn by VanillaBearr…

Feb 13 2012 / Read More »
Religion wonderlane

Jesus’ Body Is Found: Autopsy Reveals He Died Of Alcohol Poisoning

Archaeologists have finally done what Christianity claimed to be impossible: uncovered the physical remains of Jesus Christ himself. While they do not claim to be absolutely certain of what they have found, the scientists have conducted…

Mar 15 2012 / Read More »
Sci/Tech squirrels

Mechanized Squirrel Successful in Bringing Attractive Girls to Grainger

Visitors of the University of Illinois last week were surprised to see their teenage daughters drop their orange bags, abandon everyone, and run towards what seemed to be friendly squirrels. What was supposed to be cute…

May 3 2012 / Read More »
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Feb 18 2012 / Read More »
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