Ben Franklin You can never have too many French women...
Abraham Lincoln You know, a house divided against itself still makes for a pretty good raft...
Last Sunday, the efforts of both the Champagne and Urbana police departments paid off when, in a joint operation, they successfully located and assaulted a local mafia warehouse, nicknamed “The Union” by both the mafia and their clientele. After a sixteen-second firefight, the police were rewarded with the arrests of several notorious thieves and arsonists, [...]
Visitors of the University of Illinois last week were surprised to see their teenage daughters drop their orange bags, abandon everyone, and run towards what seemed to be friendly squirrels. What was supposed to be cute and cuddly critters turned out to be a mechanical creation, fueled by a few civil engineering students. “It was [...]
Archaeologists have finally done what Christianity claimed to be impossible: uncovered the physical remains of Jesus Christ himself. While they do not claim to be absolutely certain of what they have found, the scientists have conducted tests and determined that the body is composed primarily of matzo, the unleavened bread typically consumed by Jewish people [...]
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Originators of the fan-page stealing memes from other universities and random contributors celebrated when they heard the news that Aaron Sorkin, screenwriter of the hit movie The Social Network, had purchased the movie rights to their story. “I’m surprised it took him so long, to tell you the truth,” co-founder Jeremy Lu with a hint [...]
What’s the difference between… 1. Drinks Coke and Pepsi? ANSWER: One is delicious; the other is flat, sickly sweet, and Pepsi. 2. Celebrities Joel McHale and Ryan Seacrest? ANSWER: Joel McHale is on top. **Easy tip to remember: McHale is in, Seacrest out. 3. Geography Wisconsin and Minnesota? ANSWER: Not much. [...]
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On December 26, 2011, legendary business tycoon Santa Claus stood in Times Square before more than twenty thousand Americans and made an announcement that shocked the world: “Effective on February 29, 2012, I will be resigning my position as CEO of the North Pole. My age is beginning to get the better of me, and [...]
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Punxsutawney Phil (Jan. 1, 1886—Feb. 2, 2012) On the night of Feb. 3, Punxsutawney Mayor James “Snake” Wehrle announced that the highly revered Pennsylvanian, Punxsutawney Phil, had passed away mere hours before the annual Groundhog’s Day Ceremony. For hours, Punxsutawney citizens and tourists alike awaited the celebrity groundhog to come out of his domicile (“The [...]
