2010 | The Deadbeat

Memo to Hell residents

TO: All Hell Residents FROM: Hell Maintenance Dear Sir or Madam, It appears the that coolant we use to keep Hell at an unbearable but livable 400 degrees Fahrenheit* has been leaking uncontrollably onto the central furnace thing. We really don’t know anything about the central furnace thing. We’re essentially glorified volunteers. Please stop sending us texts, emails, Facebook messages, wall posts, voicemails, tweets and [...]

Dec 28 2010 | Posted in 2010,Religion | Read More »

History Retold Part 2: Heads Roll

The Late 1400′s Around the Globe: Same Old “Indians” and Europeans started trading. FRENCH TRADER: I’ll trade you twenty knives for the enslavement of some of your people. INDIAN: … FRENCH TRADER: Twenty knives for taking your land and forcing you to live on reservations? INDIAN: … FRENCH TRADER: I’ll throw in a few malaria-ridden blankets if [...]

Dec 20 2010 | Posted in 2010,Historical | Read More »

George Lucas won’t stop making Star Wars movies

SKYWALKER RANCH- George Lucas reported today that development began on a sequel trilogy to the Star Wars prequel trilogy. “I figured, that I’ve got what, 16, 18, something years between the end of Revenge of the Sith and A New Hope?” Lucas said. “That’s at least three movies right there. That, and a cartoon spinoff and a couple dozen [...]

Dec 20 2010 | Posted in 2010,Arts | Read More »

Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made you out of pain

This Hanukkah, I’d like to extend my deep apologies to the dreidels. Most people don’t think much about dreidels and their feelings. They’re the sort of people who say, “Ilana, dreidels don’t have feelings. They’re just inanimate pieces of wood, or sometimes plastic if your synagogue is low on funds.” To those people, I say, [...]

Dec 14 2010 | Posted in 2010,Religion | Read More »

Mr. Wheely’s First Case

My name is Mr. Wheeley And yes, indeed, I’m back I’m working on a case One I’m about to crack A murder has taken place Mr. Holmes has no clue I went to him for help And he asked me, “Who the hell are you?” This ain’t no ordinary crime I know Dr. Evil is [...]

Dec 14 2010 | Posted in 2010,Dangers | Read More »

It’s a magical world

- Lisa Wronski makes a parody of the cover of Calvin and Hobbes, just in time for finals

Dec 8 2010 | Posted in 2010,Comics | Read More »

Fisher Price: My First Orwellian Nightmare

I wonder if Charles Darwin is scowling at us. Like a ten-year-old kid looking down from a three-story building at the busiest sidewalk he’s ever seen, but all out of spit balls. I have to hand it to you, Charlie, you had a good run there, but your day in the limelight is pretty much [...]

Dec 8 2010 | Posted in 2010,Sci/Tech | Read More »

Girl turns 19, wreaks havoc on town

Joe’s Brewery, KAM’S and Cly’s Bar all suffered destruction and mass financial chaos Monday Jan. 10 when Brittany Nicole Steinberg, aged 19 for the first time, entered into all these bars with a crew and an ambition. “I’m nineteen,” Steinberg was reported saying three minutes prior to puking all over the stripper pole at Cly’s. [...]

Dec 2 2010 | Posted in 2010,Dangers | Read More »

JK Rowling to include Christine O’Donnell in next Harry Potter Book

JK Rowling, the world-famous author of the non-fiction Harry Potter Book series, has recently been in the news for suggesting she may write other Harry Potter Books, and now hints at including Christine O’Donnell, the Tea Party candidate who has publicly announced her magic skills shocking muggles worldwide with her casual refrence to her witchcraft. [...]

Dec 2 2010 | Posted in 2010,Arts | Read More »

Things That Piss Me Off: Dining Hall Workers

So, let me start this off by saying I’m aware that I complain quite a bit. And when I say “quite a bit,” I mean, “every time I open my God forsaken mouth.” As a Jew, I feel like it’s in my nature to take the most beautiful elements of the world around us, and [...]

Nov 30 2010 | Posted in 2010,Viewpoints | Read More »