Religion | The Deadbeat

Jesus’ Body Is Found: Autopsy Reveals He Died Of Alcohol Poisoning

Archaeologists have finally done what Christianity claimed to be impossible: uncovered the physical remains of Jesus Christ himself. While they do not claim to be absolutely certain of what they have found, the scientists have conducted tests and determined that the body is composed primarily of matzo, the unleavened bread typically consumed by Jewish people [...]

Mar 15 2012 | Posted in 2012,Religion | Read More »

Muslims Hire Katie Couric as PR Representative

In a startling press conference in Mecca yesterday, Imam Alawi Al’Bakr announced that the Muslim faith has finalized a contract with CBS News Anchor Katie Couric to be their new PR representative. Immediately after the announcement, Couric, the famed news anchor, released a tweet suggesting CBS back a Muslim form the “Cosby Show,” and that [...]

Feb 11 2011 | Posted in 2011,Religion | Read More »

Memo to Hell residents

TO: All Hell Residents FROM: Hell Maintenance Dear Sir or Madam, It appears the that coolant we use to keep Hell at an unbearable but livable 400 degrees Fahrenheit* has been leaking uncontrollably onto the central furnace thing. We really don’t know anything about the central furnace thing. We’re essentially glorified volunteers. Please stop sending us texts, emails, Facebook messages, wall posts, voicemails, tweets and [...]

Dec 28 2010 | Posted in 2010,Religion | Read More »

Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made you out of pain

This Hanukkah, I’d like to extend my deep apologies to the dreidels. Most people don’t think much about dreidels and their feelings. They’re the sort of people who say, “Ilana, dreidels don’t have feelings. They’re just inanimate pieces of wood, or sometimes plastic if your synagogue is low on funds.” To those people, I say, [...]

Dec 14 2010 | Posted in 2010,Religion | Read More »

Scandal: Pope Caught Chilling on Couch in Sweatpants

Catholics around the world were shocked today when their leader, Pope Benedict XVI, was discovered lounging on the couch in his living quarters, wearing comfortable cloth pants in place of his usual robes, watching television and snacking on Doritos. Benedict XVI was quoted as saying he “just wanted to relax for a little bit,” and [...]

Nov 26 2010 | Posted in 2010,Religion | Read More »

Born of the Virgin Cherry

When Jesus was born, three kings from the east came to him bearing gifts of whipped cream, springkles and cherries.

Nov 4 2010 | Posted in 2010,Comics,Religion | Read More »