Memo to Hell residents
TO: All Hell Residents
FROM: Hell Maintenance
Dear Sir or Madam,
It appears the that coolant we use to keep Hell at an unbearable but livable 400 degrees Fahrenheit* has been leaking uncontrollably onto the central furnace thing. We really don’t know anything about the central furnace thing. We’re essentially glorified volunteers. Please stop sending us texts, emails, Facebook messages, wall posts, voicemails, tweets and other ridiculously modern social network communications about the central furnace thing.
Look, we’ve tried just about everything, and the big guy downstairs is not being very helpful. We’ve found that his response to most questions is an angry guttural reply followed by an obnoxiously loud and really unnecessary whip of his fiery tail.
It looks like you’ll be living with the terrible convenience of comfortable temperatures for the time being. There is a SMALL possibility for snow. We’ve been assured by Charles Darwin and that other guy who made the Weather Channel music that snow is highly unlikely. We’re probably just looking at golf-ball sized hail instead. That’s probably better than some of the horrible precipitation we’ve been getting recently:
Sunday: Flaming television sets playing Sarah Palin’s Alaska
Monday: Fire
Tuesday: Molten Iron
Tuesday Night: Molten Lead
Wednesday: Molten Alaska
Please be patient as we try to figure this out.
Also, the anti-Holiday party is coming up and Galileo is REALLY excited about it. You know how he gets sometimes. We’re just asking you to let him know you’re coming and sign up for the Secret Satan. Also, the anti-Holiday Party Planning Committee wants to remind you that we need someone to bring a zesty, “fiery” dip. Their words, not ours.
*Celsius is for Commies.
- John Hoffman
Flickr photo by Logan Ingalls.
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