How The Hipster Stole Thanksgiving (Because Christmas Was Too Mainstream)
I love this time of year: The weather cools, and I can finally start playing Christmas music without society labeling me an unappreciative social pariah. Unfortunately, all too soon do I forget the holiday that comes before the birth of Jesus, and that illustrious day is Thanksgiving. This is the holiday for which we celebrate giving peace, eating food, enjoying family, and quieting all historical accuracy from those pesky Native Americans seated at the kids’ table. Much to my dismay, though, there is a contemporary social phenomenon raring to take over every facet of life, including this most sacred revelry. So gather ‘round the fire, children, and I’ll tell you the story of how the hipster will steal Thanksgiving.
When you open your door to the hipster, you will notice his attire: a lavender v-neck, plaid overshirt, frayed jorts, and Keds with his messenger bag labeled “Douche Bag.” He will have brought some goodies to enjoy should there be any downtime in between courses. He will have a collection of poems from the Beatniks for light reading, a striped scarf, and a coupon from his favorite undiscovered coffeehouse. At any moment, he is prepared to mention any of these in table conversation.
Thanksgiving is known for food and family. Usually, families will bring respective dishes to larger gatherings, but the hipster won’t bring anything. He won’t ever eat because ingesting essential nutrients is for those who need food and shelter to live; a true hipster can survive off of indie music and concert ticket stubs. Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs doesn’t apply to the counterculture. Even though the hipster won’t eat anything, he will still expect the turkey to be tofu. If consumption were a physical possibility, then Tofurkey would be his Thanksgiving must-have. Thankfully, your guests will not suffer from thirst because you will be able to rely on the hipster to bring the Pabst Blue Ribbon.
When it comes to the actual giving thanks part of the meal, the hipster will have a unique way of convincing you to be grateful for his presence. Of course, he will have brought artistic photographs of turkeys, both dead and alive. The purpose of these photos is both to shame and to inspire the meat-eaters. He will also have brought the Beatles Trivial Pursuit (because this is the only acceptable mainstream band) for some after-the-meal fun. He will not hesitate to inform you that you should be thankful for all of these things
Usually at family gatherings, one is advised not to talk about religion and politics. In the presence of the hipster, however, one must not talk about music at all. No matter what you say, he will debate you on which band’s sound is more obscure and who discovered them first. He will render your arguments futile because there is no such thing as a logical argument to a hipster, only volume. Fortunately, there is a strategy to shushing him: Just make sure to ask him if he likes the new Twisting Chrysanthemum single. This is not a real band, but he won’t know this; he will be speechless because he’ll think someone has discovered a band he hasn’t.
Here you are. Beware of these hipster antics, for they are great and many. Though the prospect of spending Thanksgiving with a hipster seems foreboding, welcome him warmly because the two things that should always be open during the holidays are your door and your heart. So enjoy your food and your family, but avoid narrating the hipster’s actions in an Australian accent as if he were in his natural habitat.
– Bailey Hicks
Photos by Jazmine Llanes and Kevin Dooley
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