5 Life Lessons We Learned From Pokemon
Pokémon games offer players more timeless, eye-opening life lessons that surpass both fairy tales and even the Bible in importance. These are some of the invaluable morals that are completely applicable to everyday life.
5. Pets Are Meant To Fight.
Michael Vick seemed to be one of the only Pokémon fans who got this one right. For some reason, modernized society binds people to domesticate their animals rather than subject them to their true calling, which is engaging in vicious, near-fatal combat. That poodle doesn’t want to be dressed in a ridiculous outfit that only a stay-at-home trophy wife would approve of, it wants its owner to yell “CUPCAKE use BITE” on the next dog it crosses during a walk. It’s a legitimate shame knowing that people in Japan have been practicing this since 1996, while organizations in the U.S. like PETA are preventing American trainers from being the very best like no one ever was. Somewhere out there, a mouse is trying to use THUNDERBOLT in a cage, weeping at its own futility.
“Hi, I’m Sarah McLachlan, and for pennies a day you can give this Pikachu a chance to train…”
4. Childhood Rivals Are Assholes.
There is always that one kid in elementary school that has to assert his dominance over everyone else. He purposely makes sure he picks the one Pokémon that has elemental advantages over his foes, taunts people like a broken record player, and finds a new excuse for every time he loses a battle. In the real world, many refer to this person as having full-blown “Asshole Syndrome.”
What is his name again? Oh, right, AssFaceNoDick.
Generally, the socially acceptable manner in which to deal with such a person is simply to ignore him. Although, defeating him five minutes after he becomes the Champion of the Elite Four holds some substance as well, especially when said defeat causes his own grandfather to disown him and comment on his grandson’s failure both as a trainer and a human being.
3. Walking In Front Of People Means Violent Confrontation.
People who find themselves extremely insecure and fearful of passing people along the sidewalk have every reason to be hesitant. Pokémon teaches people to understand that walking past another trainer, who has been and will remain standing in the same place for all of eternity, is not just a friendly way to say “Hello, fellow aspiring trainer! Would you like to do battle on this bicycle road, blocking all possible traffic?” In fact, walking in front of someone as opposed to directly asking for a battle is the equivalent of staring that person dead in the eye, flipping the bird, performing an obscene body gesture, and shouting expletives too disgusting to include in this article. Besides, such gestures are better if saved for after the battle anyway.
“Are you feeling lucky, Muk!”
2. Always Judge A Book By Its Cover
Starting out in Pokémon games leads to some pretty puny-looking team combinations. Does a level 5 Charmander look adorable? Absolutely. Does a fully-evolved Charizard at any level look badass? Absolutely. Most seasoned veterans of the franchise will agree that the appearance of a Pokémon ultimately dictates any strengths or intrinsic values that it may have. To put it simply, there’s a good chance that someone who resembles the body structure of a Gyrados will be extremely valiant, a formidable opponent, and generally good with kids. On the other hand, someone who takes on the appearance of a Bidoof (or, God forbid, a Bibarel) will probably be as useless as they come.
1. Life Is Patience And Frustration
Arguably the most important lesson the game can teach is that Pokémon can take an optimistic, wholesomely well-mannered person and turn him into a nihilistic rage-quitter within twenty minutes. Parents who allow their children to learn that “life isn’t fair” the old-fashioned way through personal experience in life are wasting their time.
This is your face on Pokémon. If not, you’re doing it wrong.
An ideal parent would hand the child a Gameboy with Pokémon Silver popped in, and say, “Here’s 40 ultra balls and a fully-stocked line-up. Go catch Entei.” A child will never lose faith in humanity. It’s a fair assessment to say that around 30 hours that a player spends in the game will revolve around rapidly pressing the “A” button, ceasing all breathing as a Pokémon appears to be captured, and then cursing up a storm when said Pokémon breaks free. In life, it’s always been known that you cannot “catch ‘em all,” but it’s always important to relentlessly try. And when all else fails, whip the Gameboy at the wall and sell the game. That is, until the next edition comes out.
Eight games later and you still haven’t caught ‘em all.
– Austin Gomez
Photos by AshPikachu123
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