Jesus’ Body Is Found: Autopsy Reveals He Died Of Alcohol Poisoning
Archaeologists have finally done what Christianity claimed to be impossible: uncovered the physical remains of Jesus Christ himself.
While they do not claim to be absolutely certain of what they have found, the scientists have conducted tests and determined that the body is composed primarily of matzo, the unleavened bread typically consumed by Jewish people during the week of Passover. Since Jesus himself went on record to confirm that this bread is what his body was made of by presenting it to his disciples during a Passover Supper, he is the only person historically known to have such a body composition, making him the most likely candidate to fit these remains.
What is particularly interesting about the find is that it seems to dispute the widespread belief that Jesus died on a cross. What the archaeologists discovered was that it that the body had been destroyed even to the point of crumbling apart. Experts have attributed this effect to a corrosive alcohol poisoning in the blood: the concentration was at a comparable level to that of red wine.
Religious groups are understandably in an uproar. They claim that these men and women have not found the body of Christ. After all, the churches of the world know exactly where the body of Christ is: it’s in those little wafers that they pass out at their cannibalistic ritual every week.
In fact, the Church is so confident in its assertions that it has offered to allow a few wafers to be analyzed for DNA testing against the body to prove that the findings of these archaeologists is a fraud. The scientists have yet to respond to Pope Benedict’s invitation.
– Marius Berner
Photos by Wonderlane & Fleming Brishen
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